Opening Thoughts
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a loop of self-criticism or frustration about what others should be doing, you might be engaging in “shoulding all over yourself (or others).” This catchy phrase highlights the habit of filling your thoughts with “shoulds,” “musts,” and “oughts.” It can lead to a negative mindset known as “awfulizing,” which leaves you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or unhappy. But there’s benefit in working with the right REBT therapist. We’ll show you how the REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) approach can help you turn these rigid beliefs into more flexible preferences, giving you the chance for a happier life.
Understanding “Shoulding”
“Shoulding” is simply imposing unrealistic expectations on ourselves or on others. These “shoulds” are often based on the belief that if we—or anyone else—fail to meet these demands, a disaster follows.
For example, when you think, “I should be more productive,” or “They should have remembered my anniversary,” you are placing unnecessary pressure on yourself and others. This way of thinking does not just lead to disappointment; it generates a flood of negative emotions, including guilt and frustration.
Studies show that nearly 70% of people struggle with self-imposed expectations, which can significantly impact mental health and overall well-being.
The Negative Effects of Shoulds
"Shoulds" create a harmful chain reaction in our minds. When you tell yourself you should do something, you are criticizing your current state. This can result in feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and frustration.
Consider this scenario: you have just finished a long workday, and instead of allowing yourself a decent break, your mind tells you, “I should go to the gym.” This thought escalates into further negativity, making it tough to enjoy any downtime.
“Shoulds” can also poison relationships. For instance, if you think, “My partner should know what I want without my saying anything,” you risk feeling let down and frustrated, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.
The Idea of Awfulizing
Awfulizing refers to seeing situations in the worst light possible. Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, highlighted this thought pattern, which makes it seem like certain setbacks are catastrophic. If you catch yourself thinking, “If I don’t get that promotion, my life will fall apart,” you are likely awfulizing.
Combining shoulds with awfulizing creates a toxic mix for your mental health. For instance, if you think, “I should have completed my project by now,” and you haven’t, you might spiral into the belief that “I’m a complete failure.”
This kind of thinking not only brings you down emotionally but can also stop you from pursuing changes that could improve your life.
How Shoulding and Awfulizing are Interconnected
The link between shoulding and awfulizing is clear:
The Setup: You place a rigid “should” on yourself or someone else.
The Reality Check: The expectation remains unmet.
The Fallout: You then spiral into awfulizing, viewing the situation as a disaster.
For example, if you think, “I should save more money,” and you don’t, you might think, “I’ll never be financially stable.” This negative feedback loop can reinforce feelings of inadequacy and lead to ongoing stress and anxiety.
Shifting Towards Flexibility: A Practical Guide
The great news is that you can break free from “shoulding” and awfulizing. By using the principles of REBT, you can transform those rigid beliefs into flexible preferences. Here’s how to start:
1. Spot the “Should” Statements
Begin by tuning into your self-talk. Keep a journal and note every “should” you encounter. For instance, you might write, “I should eat healthier.”
2. Question the Statement
After identifying a “should,” ask yourself a few questions:
Is this belief based on facts, or is it just my opinion?
Do I have evidence that this is true?
What happens if I don’t stick to this “should”?
Challenging your thoughts helps you see them as rigid demands rather than hard facts.
3. Reframe the Statements
Once you’ve questioned those thoughts, it’s time to reframe them into flexible preferences. Instead of saying, “I should hike every weekend,” say, “I would enjoy spending time outdoors when I can.”
This simple shift makes your thoughts feel less demanding and more personal, encouraging self-compassion.
4. Embrace Imperfection
Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes is vital. It’s okay to not fulfill every self-imposed expectation. Swap out thoughts like, “I have to be perfect” for “I want to do my best, but I know I may not always succeed.”
This mindset fosters a more forgiving view of yourself and encourages a realistic approach to life’s challenges.
5. Stay Present
Avoid getting trapped in what should happen or what could have happened—focus instead on what is. Mindfulness practices, like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga, can help keep you grounded and reduce anxious thoughts about the future.
The Benefits of Shifting from Shoulds
As you begin to leave behind “shoulds” and the cycle of awfulizing, you may notice positive changes. Some benefits include:
Better Self-Esteem: Accepting that it’s natural to stumble can boost your confidence.
Healthier Relationships: Letting go of rigid expectations can lead to more understanding interactions.
Greater Resilience: Viewing setbacks as learning opportunities will help you bounce back quicker.
Increased Happiness: Allowing for flexible thinking reduces unnecessary stress, paving the way for a more joyful life.
Real-Life Examples
To illustrate how moving from “shoulds” to preferences benefits you, let’s look at two stories:
Sally's Transformation
Sally often criticized herself for not exercising as much as she thought she should. After recognizing that her thoughts were shaped by unrealistic goals, she shifted to a gentler statement: “I prefer to exercise more regularly.” This simple change led her to enjoy outdoor hikes multiple times a week, resulting in better physical health and improved emotional well-being.
Mark's Insight
Mark frequently felt upset when friends didn’t reply to his texts immediately. Instead of thinking, “They should respond now,” he rephrased it to, “I’d appreciate a quicker response, but I know everyone has their own life.” This minor adjustment eased his frustration and helped him value the friendships he had rather than make assumptions about their actions.
Final Thoughts from an REBT Therapist
Feeling overwhelmed by “shoulds” or caught in awfulizing doesn’t have to define your experience. By applying REBT techniques, you can embark on a journey that transforms rigid, negative beliefs into flexible, empowering preferences.
Don’t underestimate the power of your mindset. Shifting from “I should” to “I prefer” can dramatically change not just how you see yourself but also how you relate to others.
The next time you catch yourself “shoulding” all over yourself or someone else, take a moment to breathe and reflect. Is it really true? What if you allowed yourself just a little grace? It’s time to break free from the awfulizing cycle and embrace flexibility in your thoughts and beliefs.
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