Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself: Overcoming Musturbation for a Happier Life
- Brian Sharp
- 14 hours ago
- 3 min read
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, I should be more productive, I must never make mistakes, or I have to please everyone? These thoughts might seem harmless, but they can quietly build pressure and stress. Psychologist Albert Ellis called this habit "musturbation"—the tendency to impose rigid "musts" on ourselves and others. This way of thinking often leads to frustration, anxiety, and unhappiness. Understanding and overcoming these "musts" can free you from unnecessary self-criticism and help you live a more balanced, joyful life.
What Is Musturbation and Why Does It Matter?
Musturbation is a term Albert Ellis coined to describe the habit of telling ourselves that things must be a certain way. It involves rigid demands like:
I must be perfect.
Others must treat me fairly.
Life must be easy and comfortable.
These "musts" create unrealistic standards. When reality doesn’t match these demands, we feel upset, anxious, or angry. This habit disturbs our peace of mind and can damage relationships.
Ellis identified three major "musts" that people often use to disturb themselves:
I must do well and win approval.
Others must treat me kindly and fairly.
Life must be easy and without discomfort.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.
How Shoulding Harms You
When you constantly "should" on yourself, you set up impossible goals. For example:
Thinking I should never fail makes failure feel like a disaster.
Believing I must always be liked leads to people-pleasing and loss of authenticity.
Expecting life must be fair causes frustration when challenges arise.
This mindset fuels negative emotions like guilt, shame, and resentment. It can also cause procrastination because the fear of not meeting your "musts" becomes overwhelming.
How to Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
Changing this habit takes practice, but it is possible. Here are practical steps to help you stop shoulding on yourself and others:
1. Identify Your Musts
Start by noticing your self-talk. Write down the "shoulds" and "musts" you tell yourself. For example:
I must be perfect at work.
People should always agree with me.
I must never feel anxious.
Seeing these thoughts on paper helps you recognize how rigid and unrealistic they are.
2. Challenge Your Musts
Ask yourself:
Is this really true?
What evidence supports or contradicts this belief?
What happens if I don’t meet this "must"?
For instance, if you think I must be perfect, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
3. Replace Musts with Preferences
Instead of saying I must be perfect, try I prefer to do my best, but it’s okay to make mistakes. This shift reduces pressure and opens space for self-compassion.
4. Practice Acceptance
Accept that life includes discomfort, failure, and unfairness. This doesn’t mean giving up on goals but recognizing that these experiences are part of being human.
5. Focus on What You Can Control
You cannot control others or every situation, but you can control your reactions. Let go of demands on others and focus on your own choices.
6. Use Compassionate Self-Talk
When you catch yourself shoulding, respond with kindness. For example, say It’s okay to feel this way or I’m doing the best I can.
Examples of Overcoming Musturbation
Example 1: Work Pressure
Sarah believed she must never make mistakes at work. This belief caused her anxiety and burnout. After recognizing this must, she started reminding herself that mistakes are part of learning. She allowed herself to ask for help and set realistic goals. Over time, her stress decreased, and her performance improved.
Example 2: Relationship Expectations
John thought others must always treat him fairly. When friends disagreed or let him down, he felt hurt and angry. By challenging this belief, he realized people are imperfect and sometimes act out of their own struggles. He began communicating his needs clearly and accepting differences, which improved his relationships.
Why Letting Go of Musts Leads to Happiness
Letting go of rigid "musts" reduces unnecessary stress and self-criticism. It helps you:
Accept yourself and others as imperfect.
Build resilience to life’s challenges.
Improve emotional well-being.
Develop healthier relationships.
This mindset shift creates space for growth, joy, and peace.
Stop shoulding all over yourself by recognizing your "musts," challenging them, and replacing them with flexible preferences. This change takes time but leads to a happier, more balanced life. Start today by noticing one "must" you hold and gently question its truth. Your mind and heart will thank you.
